Editors Note: This blog will seek to clarify how restoration is possible in difficult or impossible situations. These are spin-off questions and items from this morning’s sermon.
While Biblical restoration with the Lord and others is always God’s will. There are difficult times and situations that warrant a closer look. For example, in the case of abuse, does God want to restore me back into that situation? If so, I want no part of it! When I ask forgiveness from a person who has hurt me, am I to jump back into the same lion cage as before and be all “buddy-buddy” with them – only to be scratched again? Is that what forgiveness asks of me?
Here are some difficult questions around the idea of restoration:
Q1. How is restoration possible with a dead person?
A1. We’re commanded in Scripture not to talk with the dead. In cases that require the asking or giving of forgiveness to those who have passed it is necessary to do that within the context of prayer; stating the conversation to Jesus and using the words that you would like him to pass onto the deceased. He knows where everyone is. If they are with him, that wont be a problem and you can pray with confidence and peace. Even if their eternal resting place is uncertain – something we are not to judge, by the way – Jesus can get the word to them and you will have a sense of peace and release after your “Amen.”
Q2. If I forgive someone who has hurt me does that mean I have to befriend them and wind up getting hurt all over again?
A2. Remember, forgiveness is a releasing a person from the actions, behavior, or sin to the heart of God. You relinquish judgment of that person to the Judge of All and intentionally wash your hands of the event. Sometimes, God may even allow you to view the “breacher” with His eyes – eyes of love and a heart of compassion towards the very person who once hated and denied you so severally.
However, this does not mean that everything is hunky-dory. While you may have changed, the other person may not have changed. You’ll need to use real wisdom now as to how the relationship should move forward from this point. Sometimes that means you decide to never see or contact that person again – especially if it an issue regarding the transgression of a sexual boundary. Other-times it may mean you can see that person occasionally, but remain guarded all the same. If you have been restored with the person, nothing may need to change. Be content in that you know that “restoration” was God’s will. You need not feel obligated to linger in the muck.
Restoration within the context of a “live-in” situation – say with a son or spouse – is a beautiful thing. It’s a bit different than forgiveness. I’m thinking that the need to be restored is the accumulatory effect of numerous “unforgivenesses” or “denials.” In cases like this, restitution will bring the family tighter together and you probably won’t wind up “getting hurt all over again” – at least to the same extent as before. Restoration among blessed unions should strengthen them.
Q3. I know I ought to forgive but I don’t feel like it.
A3. Rarely people do. On one level we forgive because Christ forgave us. ‘Nough said. Yet if our forgiveness is a knee-jerk reaction because “it’s the right thing to do,” we’ve invalidated the holiness of the gift.
People sometimes run a decade of un-forgiveness because of the hurt they suffered. They often look to a court case, or some other form of retribution to happen to the abuser before they then feel “safe” to offer their forgiveness. The idea is that, once the person has sufficiently suffered the crime, forgiveness will come all the more easily. But that isn’t the case. I saw a news show where the family sought the death penalty for the killer of their daughter. They hated the killer (who wouldn’t?) and could have prevented him from going to the chair, but didn’t. Years after the killer’s death they were still bitter and enraged at the situation.
It would have been completely inappropriate for that family to forgive that man the very next day. That would have, in my mind, sported a superficial spirituality. Yet to deliberately withhold it wasn’t any better for anyone.
There is a proper time and place for restoration to happen. It will be natural and graceful. For some it takes longer, others shorter. When it’s your time to forgive, God will line it up for you. And – even then – you may not feel like it, but you will know it’s the right thing to do. It will only be afterwards when your feelings may follow. We forgive because we have been forgiven.
Q4. I cannot forgive the person who did this to me.
A2. Quite right; true forgiveness is one of those heavenly attributes that comes from heaven, through you, and lands in the heart of the other – not unlike God’s love, poured out through Christ on the Cross, into our hearts. Truth is that you have the ability to forgive that person (by virtue of the forgiveness in Christ bestowed on you). The looming question is what’s preventing you from releasing it?
Q5. I want my relationship restored. But s/he will have no part of it. What do I do?
A5. The most important thing here is to make sure the person knows of your intent for restoration and leave that door open until that person decides to walk through it. Your posture should be a posture of restoration. One day they may run to you and meet you like Peter ran to meet Jesus on the beach. Then you will be ready for it – and how glorious it all will be!
I know I mentioned the idea of “spiritual sludge” build-up in those folks who turn the other cheek at Biblical restoration. In this case, however, I believe your sincere posture of restoration is the Drano you need to get on with your life. Even if they never meet you on the beach you can rise with purpose into God’s call, knowing you’ve held nothing back.
Other questions? Shoot me an email at bill@holyapostles.cc.
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